Apocalypse Inside My Head

Why are people psychotic?
I've always managed to date crazy women. It's my curse. They start out great and you think you have something real but then the surface erodes and the true colors emerge. I've been single a long while now. My on again off again love is off again and it's not ever coming back. Felt like I've watched life collapse upon her over the years and the frailty left is unimaginable. Her mind is broken and the basket case that was in front of me wasn't the person I once knew.
Sad isn't it? Alone again. It's my go to special move. At least I'm content with a bottle of tequila and a vape full of sweet nothingness. My mind wanders into the realms of dark reasoning and I notice that the cold black sheets of rain are at least warmer.
I'm not beaten. I've accomplished much this year so far and I've cut a lot of dead weight in my wake.
I've met someone new and I try to be open minded and positive but people always let you down. It's proven over and over.
I'm not buzzed enough to deal with this bullshit but...
Today is another day.

Into The Reaping

Once you have a near death experience everything changes. I cannot see anything the same. I realize there will never be enough hours in the day, days in the week, weeks in the month, or months in a year. Life rushes by and you reach out and feel it like wind through your fingertips. It's fleeting yet the most beautiful moments always escape us far too soon.
I'm expendable. I'm humble in that realization. I'm humbled by the sheer magnitude of the ever fleeting moment. I'm a speck in a colossal debris field and I only found myself once I allowed my ego to wither and die.

Winning at Life

The crane flies south. Feel the cold creeping up on the bones. I merely turned around twice and summer was over. Shameful that time goes by so quickly now. The grey in my beard distinguishes between who I once was and how much life takes from us.
Cooling temperatures are great for the woodshop and there's no shortage of work therein. I'm feeling the creative seepage and I will embrace some new art projects as time allows. 3D sculpting studies are what's my main drive currently.
I'm losing weight. 61 lbs to be exact in the last 6 months. I feel better but I'm not done yet. Living by the numbers is what's hot on the streets apparently.
Fattening fast food is everywhere! Good food that is healthy is hard to come by at reasonable prices. The body is s temple right? I'm a pharmaceutical waste bin mostly but I'm better. Stay positive. Stay lifted. Trying to occupy my time with more fruitful endeavors is favorable.
Being in a relationship helps me I think. To edify each other and adhere to structure is nice for a change. I find myself not wanting for anything or anyone anymore. Seems different this time around and maybe it's because we're both more mature. To me it's evident that I'm no longer searching out the adventures of "the chase" nor courtship in general. The damaged but not broken clause rings true even still and leaves room for improvement as a daily chore. The dating game is lame. People are twisted up in knots and sex is a first kiss. Generally I find being a hermit to be a satisfying way of being prudent in making the most of a day. Can't feel like a waste as time ever so quickly slips away.
I'm not a success nor a failure. I'm somewhere in between. I'm grey. No longer black or white. It feels good lost and found and lost again.

Choose Your Poison

Tequila, Dos Equis, and tranquilizers usually do the trick. Whatever numbs me out and makes me forget about the bullshit for a few minutes.
Recently I reconnected with an old flame I've dated on and off for the last 16 years. It's definitely had a positive effect on my depressive state. I feel alive again. It's good to have someone in your life that attempts to get you on a deeper level. Maybe this is the turning point? Feels light and airy like a cocktail of benzos and bourbon.
The aromatic smell of a beard full of cigar smoke and whiskey. Makes me want to chop lumber and destroy pretty things.
Learn from your parents mistakes and always strive to disappoint them every chance you get.
It's Wednesday. It's too early for a drink but I need one.
Keep your head up kid. The stars are up there.

Ascension

Writing has always been a part of my life. I've not sat down to write in so long. This year nearly ended everything for me. My life, my dreams, my hopes, my world. I am very lucky to still be on this side of the dirt today. STEGO put out it's sophomore album “Void Clear Light” on Nov 8^th. It was put on the back burner while I spent the year trying to adapt and overcome the vast health problems that had put me down. Music and art have always been the cornerstone of my very being. 

The thought of not being able to do it anymore was daunting and depression set in. I was in the hospital for 27 days and the man who saved me was a younger cardiologist named Sean Rhuland. He thinks outside the box and knew my plight was dire. Being born with mitrovalve prolapse only complicated the case yet he worked so hard to get me back to my old self but healthier. The 27^th morning broke and I arose from the hospital bed scarred but smarter.

 I was hardly functioning and wrestling amidst the demons attempting to adhere to the medication and a new lifestyle. Sobriety was not and remains a concept that is fleeting and adept at hitting below the belt. Succumbing to my many vices has turned my life upside down so many times and I have failed everyone in my life more than once. To admit that was the first step toward the light.

Since that time my awareness grew and I could see past the daily routine of numbing the feelings and being stricken with the pain of regret like black sheets of rain drowning the memory.

All a person can do is put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

To relearn everything you thought you already knew has been both frustrating and beautiful. Stumbling toward the horizon with eyes on the prize. The irony worn upon the disaster I left in my wake.

The Downtrodden

It's been a long while since I had anything good to say. The start of 2014 had me thinking I was sick with the Flu and it turned out to be Atrial Fib with RVR that led to Congestive Heart Failure. Not what you want to hear when you are uninsured and have no means of income at the moment. 27 days in cardiac unit and progressive care unit left me feeling institutionalized. Needless to say I'm applying for charity through the hospital for bills there and the cardiologist. No our healthcare system isn't broken at all right? It's pathetic.

Now I am dealing with medications that make me loopy, dizzy, and light headed. Blood thinners require a regular weekly visit to the clinic for blood work until we have it regulated. I've had to put life on hold for the past few months and that means everything including music and art. The positivity isn't all gone though, things could be much worse.

It's a slow and tedious battle to get back to normal these days but I've not lost the will to want to get better. A healthy lifestyle means no booze and no cigarettes any longer. I've adjusted to eating right and caring for myself like I should have been all along. When you live hard it tends to begin to show the older we get. It is not going to get any easier if we want to stick around this place for long.

STEGO is holding back the release of the new record 'Void Clear Light,” I feel we shouldn't release until we're ready to be playing out live. Our new bassist Greg Williams is working out really well and we are rising from the ashes as a whole new unit.

I'm still available to build cabinets and do artwork and I am taking special orders for cabs. I'm not storing inventory due to lack of space in the work shop.

In retrospective I have no regrets and it's looking up now, so it's time to swing for the fences again.

Destroy Erase Improve

You gather speed and roar out into the wind with the sun flowing down like rain. It's a beautiful day for an accidental awakening. Transcendental awareness through meditation and psychedelics is a powerful tool. Finding who you really are at the core of your being is essential to growth and empowerment. Others will try to shape you and point you in a direction they see fit. It's at this time you must break away to find your own path of the most resistance. Spirituality can be found without a pulpit and those looking outside themselves rarely find it. Therein the pineal gland lies a gateway to the metaphysical and the third eye. Healthy diet and cutting out fluoride can help this gland to shine bright like a transmitter to a higher state of sight. It's truly like your own personal connection to what seems like other worldly dimensions. That which can separate us from simply being human and can enlighten us with the knowledge that will set us free.